How do you know when something’s outside your control?
How do you know when something’s outside your control?
A practical guide to knowing when to hold on—and when to let go
🧠 Framing the Question
Most of us say “that’s outside my control,” but rarely define what that actually means. Learning to spot when something is outside your control is a leverage skill: it protects your energy, lowers anxiety, and lets you focus on the few moves that truly matter.A Simple Three-Circle Lens
Picture your life as three circles: what you control, what you influence, and what you simply experience. Most frustration comes from mixing these up. This post offers a clear way to tell which circle you’re in—so you can respond with more intention at work, in relationships, and in your own head.
1. Start with the “steering wheel” test
A fast way to see if something’s outside your control: ask, “What can I directly do that guarantees this outcome?”
If you can’t name an action that reliably produces the result, you’re not holding the steering wheel—you’re a passenger.
You fully control:
- Your choices, words, and actions
- How you prepare, practice, and respond
- Where you put your time and attention over days and weeks
You do not control:
- Other people’s thoughts, feelings, and decisions
- Random events (market moves, weather, timing, luck)
- The past and fixed constraints (your childhood, your height, a deadline that’s already locked)
There’s a middle zone you influence. If your actions can improve the odds but not guarantee the result, you’re in the influence circle, not the control circle. That distinction alone removes a lot of unnecessary guilt and self-blame.
2. Spot the three red flags of “fake control”
We often cling to the feeling of control even when we don’t have the real thing. Three common tells:
- Outcome obsession
Your mood swings with the external result—whether you got the promotion, closed the deal, or changed someone’s mind. When your emotional state is fully hostage to outcomes, you’ve handed control to variables outside you. - Rerunning the tape
You keep replaying a situation in your head but never land on a new action you can take now. Rumination is your brain’s way of pretending it can still change what’s already happened. - “If-only” thinking
Sentences like “If only they…,” “If only leadership…,” “If only the economy…” usually point straight at things you don’t control. They’re signals you’re arguing with reality instead of working with it.
When you catch any of these, pause and ask: “What part of this is truly mine to manage today—and what isn’t?”
3. A real-world example: the project and the promotion
Imagine you’re leading a high-stakes project and hoping it leads to a promotion. You…
Control:
- How clearly you define scope and success
- How proactively you communicate risks and progress
- How prepared you are for reviews, questions, and feedback
Influence:
- How stakeholders perceive the project’s value
- How strongly your manager advocates for you
- How teammates feel about working with you and recommending you
Don’t control:
- Surprise reorgs or budget cuts
- Your manager’s political capital or hidden constraints
- A competing candidate’s history, timing, or relationships
If the promotion doesn’t happen, you can still say, “I ran my side well.” That’s not denial—it’s a boundary. It gives you clean data: do you need new skills, a different role, or a new environment? You move from “I failed” to “Given reality, what’s my best next experiment?”
4. Shift from stress loop to action loop
The goal isn’t to shrug and say, “Oh well, nothing’s in my control.” It’s to relocate your effort:
- Name what you don’t control:
“I can’t control the market, the board’s decision, or my colleague’s reaction.” - Shrink to your controllables:
“I can control how I prepare, how I communicate, how I follow up, and how I take care of myself.” - Redefine success with controllable metrics:
Instead of “Win this client,” try:- Number of thoughtful outreach attempts
- Quality and clarity of proposals
- Speed and substance of your follow-up
- Accept, then adapt:
Acceptance isn’t agreement—it’s acknowledging the boundary so you can make the smartest move inside it, rather than fighting the wall.
Over time, this shifts you from a stress loop (“Why is this happening?”) to an action loop (“Given this, what can I do now?”). That’s where real agency lives.
Summary & Next Step
You know something is outside your control when:
- No action you take can promise the outcome
- Other people’s choices or external forces are decisive
- Your mind is stuck on replays and “if only” instead of concrete next steps
The power move isn’t to care less; it’s to invest more deeply in what you actually own: your actions, your learning, your standards. If you want a daily prompt to practice this kind of thinking, follow QuestionClass’s Question-a-Day at questionclass.com and train yourself to draw cleaner lines between control, influence, and acceptance.
Bookmarked for You
Here are a few books that deepen this “what do I really control?” lens:
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey – A foundational guide to focusing on your “circle of influence” instead of your “circle of concern.”
The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday – Uses Stoic philosophy and real stories to show how accepting constraints can turn obstacles into fuel.
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach – Explores how acknowledging reality with compassion can free up energy for wiser choices and meaningful action.
🧬 QuestionStrings to Practice
Use this to untangle any stressful situation and refocus on what’s truly yours to manage:
Control Boundary String
For when you’re tangled up in outcomes:
“What exactly is happening, in neutral terms?” →
“Which parts depend mainly on my choices or habits?” →
“Which parts depend on other people, timing, or luck?” →
“What is the smallest next step I fully control that would improve this, even 1%?”
Try weaving this into your journaling, one-on-ones, or tough email drafts. Over time, you’ll train your mind to see the control line faster—and act more calmly on your side of it.
Comments
Post a Comment