How do you understand what motivates someone?
How do you understand what motivates someone?
How to Understand What Motivates Someone: A Psychological Guide
Understanding what motivates someone is a bit like trying to find the Wi-Fi signal in a remote cabin—you can't see it, but you know it's essential. Whether you're a team leader, a curious friend, or a master of small talk at dinner parties, grasping motivation helps you connect, inspire, and yes—even pick the right movie for date night.
Why Motivation Matters
Motivation is the unseen engine behind every choice we make—from climbing career ladders to procrastinating on laundry until it becomes a mountain. Understanding someone’s "why" leads to:
- More effective communication
- Stronger personal and professional relationships
- Improved leadership and team dynamics
- Easier decision-making (especially when choosing between sushi or tacos)
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
— Carl Jung
It’s a reminder that understanding motivation isn’t just useful—it’s essential. Without it, we’re all just reacting to invisible forces and calling it "just how things are." But once you start noticing the patterns behind people's choices, everything starts to make a lot more sense.
Key Theories of Motivation
Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation
At the heart of motivation are two key types:
- Intrinsic Motivation – Driven by internal satisfaction (e.g., painting for joy, learning for curiosity)
- Extrinsic Motivation – Driven by external rewards (e.g., bonuses, recognition, free office donuts)
💡 Ask yourself: Is this person fueled by passion or perks?
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Maslow's classic pyramid breaks down motivation into five tiers:
- Physiological Needs – Food, water, rest
- Safety Needs – Security, employment stability
- Love & Belonging – Relationships, social circles
- Esteem – Achievement, recognition
- Self-Actualization – Personal growth, purpose, creativity
🧠 Tip: If someone is worried about job security (safety), promising them a future promotion (esteem) won’t hit the mark.
Self-Determination Theory (SDT)
This theory suggests motivation thrives when three psychological needs are met:
- Autonomy – Feeling in control of actions
- Competence – Believing in one’s skills
- Relatedness – Feeling connected to others
👀 Example: A disengaged team member might not be lazy—they might just feel micromanaged, under-skilled, or isolated.
How to Discover What Motivates Someone
Observe Their Behavior
Actions speak louder than LinkedIn bios. Notice:
- Tasks they naturally gravitate toward
- Energy levels during different activities
- Reactions to success and failure
🧩 A person who lights up during group projects likely craves connection or collaborative purpose.
Listen to Their Complaints
Complaints aren’t just gripes—they’re motivational goldmines.
- “I’m bored of this task” → Seeks variety or growth
- “No one listens to me” → Needs recognition or relatedness
- “I hate being told what to do” → Values autonomy
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Start a motivation investigation with thoughtful questions like:
- “What excites you about this project?”
- “If money weren’t a factor, how would you spend your time?”
- “What could you talk about for hours?”
🎯 These questions reveal intrinsic drivers and personal values.
Identify Their Role Models
Role models reflect personal values. Someone inspired by Elon Musk might prioritize innovation. Someone who admires Mother Teresa may value compassion and service.
Notice Their Reaction to Rewards
Some people love applause. Others prefer a thank-you Slack message. Understanding what kind of acknowledgment matters most reveals whether extrinsic or intrinsic rewards resonate.
Final Thoughts: Motivation is the Map to Human Connection
To understand what drives someone, you don’t need a PhD in psychology—just curiosity, observation, and a willingness to listen.
Motivation isn’t manipulation; it’s the key to meaningful connection.
Watch what excites them. Listen for their complaints. Notice who they admire. These are the breadcrumbs leading to their “why”—and once you follow them, everything from managing teams to picking Netflix shows gets easier.
🙋♀️ Want to Ask Better Questions?
Understanding motivation starts with asking the right questions. Follow Question-a-Day and become that person who always knows what to say.
📚 Bookmarked for You: April 7, 2025
Because understanding people’s hidden motivations can transform your relationships and leadership. These books decode the mysteries behind our actions.
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman - Understands how emotions drive people.
Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action by Simon Sinek - Explains why understanding the core reasons behind actions is key to inspiring and motivating others.
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck - Demonstrates how adopting a growth mindset can unlock personal and professional potential by reshaping motivations.
Understanding motivation starts with asking the right questions.
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