What things you should say (and not say) in an argument?

What things you should say (and not say) in an argument?

18 January 2025|Active Listening, Best Practice, Communication, Conversation, Leadership, Negotiation, Personal Development, Question a Day, Relationships

What to Say (and Not Say) in an Argument: Master the Art of Disagreeing Gracefully


Arguments can be as tricky as assembling IKEA furniture without instructions. You want to emerge with something functional, not broken spirits. Whether you're navigating a disagreement with a partner, colleague, or friend, here’s how to speak effectively—and what phrases to banish from your vocabulary.


What You Should Say

1. "I feel…" Statements

  • What to say: "I feel hurt when my opinions are dismissed."
  • Why: This centers the conversation on your emotions rather than casting blame, inviting empathy rather than defensiveness.

2. "Can we find a solution together?"

  • What to say: "How can we make this better for both of us?"
  • Why: Collaboration beats confrontation every time, and this phrase encourages teamwork.

3. "I see your perspective."

  • What to say: "I understand why this is upsetting for you."
  • Why: Validation is a cheat code for diffusing tension. Acknowledging their viewpoint doesn’t mean you agree—it means you respect it.

4. "Let’s pause and revisit this."

  • What to say: "I think we’re both heated. Can we take a break and continue when we’re calmer?"
  • Why: Emotional cool-downs are like software updates: they fix glitches that might crash the system.

5. "I’m sorry for..."

  • What to say: "I’m sorry for interrupting you earlier; it wasn’t fair."
  • Why: A sincere apology isn’t weakness—it’s the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent people.

What NOT to Say

1. "You’re overreacting."

  • Why not: This invalidates the other person’s emotions, making them feel unheard. Instead, try: "Let’s unpack why this feels so big."

2. "Whatever."

  • Why not: It’s the conversation equivalent of flipping the Monopoly board. Instead, say: "I need a moment to think before I respond."

3. "You always…" or "You never…"

  • Why not: These absolutes are conversation poison, turning discussions into blame battles. Swap for: "Sometimes, it feels like..."

4. "Calm down."

  • Why not: Nobody calms down by being told to calm down. It’s like pouring gasoline on a fire. Instead, ask: "What do you need to feel calmer right now?"

5. "It’s not a big deal."

  • Why not: This phrase minimizes their feelings, leaving them resentful. A better choice: "I didn’t realize this was so important to you. Let’s talk it through."

A Quirky Pro Tip: The Rule of Three Seconds

Pause for three seconds before replying in an argument. It gives you time to choose your words wisely and keeps you from blurting out something you’ll regret (like, "Well, your mom thinks I’m right!").


Improve Your Communication Game

Ready to level up your conversation skills and master the art of asking the right questions? Join Question-a-Day for daily prompts that help you connect, collaborate, and communicate better. Your relationships (and sanity) will thank you. 🧐

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